The Un-Assertive Idiot

We all have that will to please when we get a new job. Yes, sure, understood – most of us are freshers and need to prove ourselves and all that jazz, but at what cost?

Did you ever make coffee for someone you didn’t have to?
Went out of your way to give someone a ride?
Agreed to an impossible deadline?
Taken on more than you can deal with?
Felt demeaned but brushed it off just because you can’t say no?

Breaking news – you aren’t obliged to do that all of that sugar!

Assertive, assertive.

Here are a few tips for saying NO.

1. Smile

Believe me, smiling really is the solution to almost everything! If leaders of the 2 blocks had smiled more often, the cold war could’ve been avoided. Refuse the order to make that coffee, with a smile. In today’s generation people don’t realise that smiling works like smileys.
“Fuck off :)” See what I mean?

2. And give a believable excuse

“I’m feeling a little sickly and am off to make the world’s worst coffee, hoping I’ll feel better.”

3. Apologize

“I’m sorry, really am”

4. Compensate

“…But give me until tomorrow, and I will make you a mean cappuccino to make up for it!”
Don’t worry, we’ll deal with what happens tomorrow, tomorrow.

5. Sail to the wind

Of course you can’t always be giving excuses. At times you can just give the truth.
“I’m in a rush and will not be able to give you a ride today.”
“Completing the project by that deadline is frankly impossible. Can you give me until ___”
“I’m currently handing this and that. Can either be kept on hold so I can complete what you seek?”
“I don’t like your face, it makes my skin crawl. Plus you stink.”
Ok probably not that.

Only remember, you are allowed to say no. Sometimes, you’re even expected to, and asking you is simply wishful thinking on their part. We’re humans after all, and have our own personal bandwidth, and stretching that is called exploiting. We’ve all been that unassertive idiot a few times. Don’t let it continue.

 

 

Spare your Leaves

How often have we taken  a time-off, not out of exhaustion or social obligations, but purely for ourselves? You have? Well you’re one of a kind.

Not many make good use of their allotted leaves. The casual leave quota so generously reserved for us is squandered, yes squandered on:

1. Religious Festivals!

Ankush Bahuguna | via mensxp.com

Being in the land of the holy cows compels you to take a leave off for every other religious festival. And mind you there’s one every other week. Major festivals are granted holidays, true, but even companies can’t afford to grant holidays on every one of them. But… family calls! You owe them your presence. And gifts. And time, apparently.

Wrong.

I remember NOT taking an off on a festival, and my, what rebel that made me. I was branded a family outcaste; all hopes of me getting married and getting 10 healthy sons was shattered. OK, alright, I’m exaggerating, in reality my employers were blamed and cursed… but my obligation was still over. Woohoo!

Well if you’re pious and truly need the break, go ahead, you deserve it. But if the holidays already granted suffice, and if you’re content praying once a day, and would rather not spend another off answering your grown-ups inquiries into your personal life, well save them.

 

2. Appointments

That horror at having to waste a precious day off to visit the dentist. Or even to get that 4-wheeler license you’ve been meaning too. *a moment of silence* However, young lady, that’s what grown up life is all about. I’m sorry but, that’s just how it is.

 

3. The-world-needs-me Days

If you’re a kind hearted, non-assertive soul, you’ve presumably wasted 50% of your leaves on these.

“Your Granny’s sick! You need to accompany her”
“Your cousin needs to be picked from school. Yes by you, and you alone.”
“The leaking tap needs to be fixed”
“Frugal Mrs. Jane Doe needs a ride from the airport”
“Oh will you babysit my pet pom for me?”
“The world needs you, Oh saviour!”

 

I-don’t-feel-like-office days

Every Monday, by default, is a I-don’t feel-like-office day. But then there are those special days when you wake up and go all “You know what? I need this day off.”

Yes you do!

Call in sick. If you’re sick quota’s exhausted, tell them it’s for personal reasons. Do not feel obliged or guilty or even work from home. You deserve your me-time, sugar. Go for a spa! Spend a day by the beach. Watch a movie alone. Cherish the next 12 hours of temporary freedom that you truly deserve. Make them worth it. And by EOD, I assure you, you’ll be ready to soldier on into reality.

I need more of these. You need more of these. Granted, we do avail of these every now and then, but, never too often. And we definitely do not need to waste them on self-demeaning occasions. Remember; leaves are when companies are paying you for a day off. Use them well. Use them for yourself.

 

 

 

First Salary Dilemma

There’s nothing like that excitement prior to receiving your first ever salary.

I’ve never been short of cash, owing to my generous pocket money, but the feeling still isn’t the same. Your salary is your own hard earned money, to be spent without any guilt or obligation.

“I should treat myself, buy that leather jacket I’ve been wanting since forever.
And something for my dad.
And boyfriend, bless him.
Maybe a striped tuxedo for my cat.
Oh and that hot air balloon ride I’ve been meaning to take for so long!
And also invest, yes that’s the smart thing to do.
Ah yes, a new phone!
Oh God, I’m filthy rich.”

That never happened. I was so engrossed with work I never even noticed the deposit in my bank balance. When I finally figured, I’d already blown it on street food, recharges and fuel.

And I was poor again. Bankrupt, I liked to exaggerate. And I refused to accept dad’s ‘pocket money’, much as I needed it, out of sheer pride.

Since, I’ve grown smarter with my cash. I’d learned the hard way that you’re never really rich, and have created a whole pattern for spending.

1. Tax, well TDS, blah

So the 10% of my salary paid to TDS can actually be claimed back! I was sceptical at first, but since it’s happening, might as well list this as my savings.

2. Investment

For when I’m unemployed again, since my ego has proved to be too big to borrow any cash. A huge 40% of my salary is invested into medium and low risk assets.

3. Shopping

I reserve 20% entirely to cross of that ever expanding list of things to buy. If it isn’t enough, then I combine the 20% of a few month’s worth of salary to buy it. That way, I’m never over-shopping. Smart? If I manage to pull it off, yes.

4. Hang-outs

It’s Monday. You’ve spent more than you intended to in a moment of drunkenness last Saturday. You decide the following weekends going to be chilled out. You, your cats, your pyjamas, a good book. Come Wednesday, the weekend’s all you look forward to. Come Friday, your friend’s call you out. You remember your earlier promise but hell, to friendship! Repeat. There goes 20% of your salary. Over.

5. Others

I like to think this includes the 10% of balance remaining in my bank account. Never happens, no. But noting it down here makes me happy.

I’d bet my life’s savings (haha, get it?) that this pattern really could work. A few ratio adjustments, and it could work for anyone in the same boat as me.

 

Don’t be the Office Bitch

Ever felt like the office bitch? No? Think again.

Maybe you laughed too hard at something someone wore. Or maybe you failed to laugh at a joke everyone found hilarious. Or maybe you didn’t open the door for someone behind you.  Or maybe you just didn’t apologize.

My, what a bitch!

We’ve all been in that situation where we’ve done or said something we shouldn’t have. In a workplace, with all the subtlety and diplomacy, these situations are easily camouflaged from us. Sometimes we just don’t notice. Sometimes we notice too late. Sometimes, people have already built the grudge behind you, hidden behind all those over enthusiastic Good mornings and bright smiles. Sometimes it feels like the damage is done, and it’s too late.

Well, it’s easy enough to say ‘fuck them! You’re there to work, not make friends’ and end it there. But bless them, I do not need to stress on how you need workplace friends. If you don’t agree, there really isn’t any point reading further.

If you do, I think I know what could work.

 

Solution #1 – Bring them Food

yippywhippy | via Tumblr.com

Food never goes unappreciated. Cookies, brownies, pizza, cupcakes – well everything yummy. Feed their guilty indulgence, literally. You may hear complaints on expanding waistlines, but the food is gorged down as well.

 

Solution #2 Smile till you cheek hurt

 

 Full_Ben | via JoyReactor.com

Greet with a smile. Apologize with a smile. Rebuke with a smile. Smile.

 

Solution #3 Take your pet to work

Alex Alvares | via Fusion.net

Got a cute bunny? Drop by at work with her. Let her win hearts, and let her endearment alter your image.

 

Solution #4 Be a good listener

gifrific.com

What are shrinks paid to do? Listen! Sound interested when someone speaks. Pretend to be fascinated by someone’s I-couldn’t-find-matching-socks tale. Listen more than you speak. Be all ears.

 

Solution #5 Observe the Office Bitch

There’ll always be someone who raises the oh-no-you-didn’t reaction. Observe, learn, do not repeat. You’ll be a lot more cautious if you’ve observed this from the other end.

Every workplace has an Office Bitch. Do not let that be you.